COLUMN NINETY-TWO, JUNE 1, 2003
(Copyright © 2003 The Blacklisted Journalist)
WARNING! FOR ADULTS ONLY! PERSONS UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ THIS STORY.
[Tsaurah Litzky is a poet and writer of fiction, non fiction and erotica. We call her America's queen of erotic literature. Susie Bright, editor of the yearly Best American Erotica books, calls her "Miss Dirty Stories." Tsaurah's work has appeared in Best American Erotica 95, 97, 99, 2001, 2002 and 2003. She has also been published in Penthouse, LONGSHOT, The Unbearables, Crimes of the Beats, Appearances, Downtown Poets, The Outlaw Bible of American Poetry, Pink Pages, Beet and many other books and periodicals. Her poetry books include Kamikaze Lover (Appearances 1999), Good Bye Beautiful Mother (Low Tech Press 2001) and Baby on the Water (Longshot, 2003). Formerly a columnist for the now defunct New York arts weekly Downtown, she now teaches erotic writing and literature at the New School University.
My head aches. Rockets and roman candles are exploding inside
my skull, ka-boom, ka-boom! KA-BOOM
and I'm shot out of bed. At
first I think it's a cerebral hemorrhage but then I realize it's a hangover
caused by last night's five vodka and tonics. I had been having the most
terrible dream, the same dream I always have when I drink alone and start to
regret my reckless, earlier day, the times when my insatiable lusts so often led me
In the dream, Ace is fucking Miranda and they are in my bed,
right here in my apartment. I am
strapped with duct tape into my favorite blue chair directly in front of the
bed. I am bound like a mummy in a fetish magazine, the tape winding around my
legs and binding my chest and arms to the back of the chair. My mouth is also
taped so I cannot speak, but I can hear and I can see.
Ace is plunging in and out of her, his big, red cock, thick
as a bat, this amazing tool quivers, pulses with life as he plunges between her
long brown legs. When he rises above her, I can see her her fat purple fig glistening with shiny love syrup, cushioned in a unruly forest of curly black hair.
His eyes are closed, his head thrown back, and he wears a look of pure happiness
on his face. She turns her beautiful harlot face to me, smiles her sphinx-like
"If you hadn't cheated on Ace, he wouldn't have come to
me, married me," she says, and then she starts to laugh, shrieking, "hee-hee-hee!"The dream is always the same and it has tortured me a hundred times at least.
I had not planned to cheat on Ace, it wasn't anything I was
looking for, but it happened anyway one hot summer night when Ace was away on a
The toilet broke. I flushed it and it just kept flushing and
flushing, gushing like a fountain. I phoned the landlord but his plumber was on
vacation. The landlord told me to call an emergency plumber out of the phone
book and deduct it from my rent. Akiva Plumbers in Borough Park sent a wiry
red-headed plumber wearing a yarmulke who looked like Kirk Douglas in Spartacus.
He also wore a wide, gold wedding band. The fabric of his lightweight chinos
creased and pulled tight around his hips as if he was carrying something big and
heavy, maybe a toilet plunger, between his legs.
I watched him fixing the toilet. All it needed was a new
washer. He looked up and noticed Ace's large, blue terrycloth robe hanging on
the bathroom door.
your husband," the plumber asked when he was done.
"Away on a
business trip," I told him. I offered him a drink. It was such a hot night.
an hour later, the plumber---I never asked his name---was naked, except for his
yarmulke, in the bed I had only shared with Ace. As I was taking off my clothes
he asked me if I had a rubber. I told him not to worry, I was on the Pill. He
nodded but he had a puzzled look on his face. Was it possible he didn't know
about the Pill?
I put my nude body down next to his on the bed. I took his hand and dipped his fingers in the bubbling little hot springs between my legs. He jerked his hand away, like he didn't want to touch me there. So I put my own fingers inside me, moving them in and out to show him how it was
'His fleshy, red cock rose up and grew into a hammer, a robust mallet with a big, heavy head. . .'
I spread my legs wide so he could get a good look at my fingers, shiny with cunt
juice, as they moved within the plump, pink pussy lips growing deep inside my
lush, black bush. He bent his movie star head closer, his mouth gaped open. His
eyes widened as if he was enchanted, but all he did was look. I stuck my fat
tongue out at him and beckoned him closer with it as I continued to move my wily
fingers in and out.
fleshy, red cock rose up and grew into a hammer, a robust mallet with a big,
heavy head. Still he did not strike me with it, just continued to stare at my
I lost patience, I just grabbed that rigid tool and pulled him towards me.
Rather roughly, I stuck it inside me. He fell on top of me and, at last, began
to move up and down, down and up, with a good, steady motion like a roto-rooter.
Then he bent his head and took my tit between his teeth, sucking it gently like
it was his mother's. Just once, right in the middle of the act, did he take
his mouth off that nipple, and then only briefly, to say with some amazement:
like it, she likes it."
knows what he was used to? He didn't want to take money from me for fixing the
toilet. When I told him the landlord wanted me to put it towards my rent, the
plumber accepted a check. He said he had a good time, kissed me on the cheek and
Once he was gone, guilt descended on me, I wondered why I had
done it. Ace and I had promised to be true to each other.
Did I feel unworthy of the happiness I had found with him? As I went back
into the bedroom to neaten the bed, I told myself ruefully, that I had my whole
lifetime to think about it. When I put my hand under the pillow, I found two
twenties folded up into a neat little square.
I struggled to sit up in bed, the rockets still exploding
inside my cranium and I tottered into the kitchen to put up the coffee water. To
compound my stupidity, I actually told him about it. Otherwise how would he have
We were drinking at Remington's about a month after I
fucked the plumber. Ace was drinking tequila neat and I was drinking gin and
tonic. Gin always make makes me want to pull up my skirt, pull my panties down
and show the world my big round ass, but I can't blame the Gin, it was me that
told him, not the treacherous Gin.
'so," he said, "When I was in Bogota , Wilfredo
introduced me to his sister, Lily. She made big moves on me. I have to say she
wasn't bad, a lot of dark hair and eyes of fire. Still, even when she just
about put it on the table, it was easy for me to remain cool to her. I always
want only you."
We had promised to be true to each other two years ago when
he moved in with me. He put his hand on my bare knee under my dress and squeezed
"Have you ever be been tempted?? he asked. 'sometimes,
you know, I'm away on business for weeks."
Then I made the fatal mistake. I should have put my hand on
his and smiled up into his loving face. I should have said, "Are you kidding?
Instead I told him the whole story, right down to the two
twenties under the pillow. He listened in silence. His body grew rigid, his face
looked like storm.
"Finish your drink," he said, "I want to go home."
That night he wouldn't talk to me. He slept with his body all curled up like a snail facing the
wall. Two weeks later he moved out, he said he needed some space. He went to
stay with friend, Greg, in Greg's big loft on White Street.
A month after that he met Miranda. .
As I was drinking my coffee I felt terrible. I made myself
get into the shower and run the shower hot and cold, hot and cold, until I felt
better. That was twenty years ago, but even after all this time my dreams of Ace
will not go away. I remembered I had a lot to do today. It was three days before
the New Year and I was giving a party. Last
year, because of 9/11, the usual New Year's Eve fireworks over the river were
canceled. This year the fireworks were scheduled again, reason enough to throw a
I washed the floor, cleaned the bathroom and scrubbed the
shower because it smelled. While I was washing the windows with the squeegee
that I use, I couldn't help but think about Ace and how he used to wash the
windows, sitting on the sill, leaning out over the street, a cigarette between
his lips, half tobacco, half hashish. I decided to take a break for some liquid
Just as I was mixing myself a nice screwdriver the phone
It's my old friend Tony.
"Hi shrimp," he said. He was one of the few people I
allowed to kid me about my size.
"Hello, sperm whale," I answered, 'to what do I owe the
honor of this call??
"Listen," he said, "Diane and I want to invite a new
friend of ours to your party, someone from her office. He only moved to New York
a couple of months ago, he doesn't know many people. He's a great guy."
'this better not be a fix-up," I told him, "You know I
hate that kind of stuff."
"He's not your type anyhow," he retorted, "He looks
like Archie Bunker, but even if it was a fix-up," he continued, "What would
be so bad about that? You keep telling me all the guys you meet are either brain
dead or depraved. As if you weren't depraved too? What s going to be written
on your tombstone, her pride kept her lonely to the end??
Tony was right. I had been running scared, finding fault with
every man who was interested in me. I?d
been alone too long. If I continued in my solitary, snobbish way, I'd soon
have apparitions of my lost lovers popping up all over the place.
him," I said.
"Ok!" Tony answered, "we'll give him your address."
I was still working at 8:30 on New Year's Eve, wearing old,
black leggings and my worn, red Harley Davidson t-shirt that says More
than a legend. I wanted to stop
to put on my pink leather dress but I still had to get out the ice, whip the
cream for the eggnog and slice the ham.
I was cracking the ice cubes out of the tray into the ice bucket, when I heard the doorbell ring. It must be the first guest. I glanced at the illuminated clock on the Jehovah's Witness building
'He did look like Archie Bunker, but then he smiled and he looked like Meathead. . .'
across the street, 8:45 the big illuminated letters said.
I turned the blender off and ran downstairs. When I opened
the door, a bulky older man wearing a beige raincoat was standing there holding
a plastic bag.
"Can I help you?? I
"Er, er," he stuttered nervously, stepping forward so
that the light from the hallway hit his face. "I'm David, Tony and Diane's
He did look like Archie Bunker, but then he smiled and
he looked like Meathead.
early," I said, conscious of the sharp tone in my voice.
'the subway got me here quicker than I expected," he said
calmly. "May I come up?
'sure, " I said, "but I'm going to put you to
He bowed from the waist.
'totally at your command, " he said,
This one may look like a cream puff, I thought as he ascended
the stairs behind me, but he doesn't let anyone push him around. As David hung
his coat in the space I had cleared for coats in my closet, I started to rummage
in the silverware drawer for a knife.
"It would really help me if you would slice up this ham,
then I can dress."
"My pleasure," he said behind me, "I brought some
champagne. I'll just put it in the refrigerator."
I heard the refrigerator door open and shut.
I found the knife I wanted him to use. When I turned to hand it to him,
he was holding out a small gold foil wrapped box.
"Godiva chocolates, these are for you," he said, 'to
start the New Year off sweetly?
I was truly surprised. I didn't tell him I love dissolving
a Godiva chocolate in my mouth almost as much as I love sucking on a sweet
man's nipple. I just took the box he proffered and said Thank you. This clever
David surprised me again by saying, "And I won't mind if you want to share
them with everyone," which was just what I wanted to do. He reached out and
took the knife from my hand.
'that must be for me," he said. "It's not a fair
trade, but I'll get to work."
I grabbed my outfit and went into the bathroom to change. As
I was zipping up my dress, I heard the bell ring.
"I'll get it," David called out.
I had just finished dressing and was folding the whipped
cream into the bowl of eggnog when he came back upstairs with Cliff and
Victoria, Richard and Ursula following close behind.
"Hello, hello," I said, "Welcome, you can hang your
coats in the closet, I m so glad you're here."
"You look great," said Ursula as she came over to kiss me
on the cheek.
"Hi, doll," said Richard, "I'll just put this
champagne in the refrigerator."
David had cut the ham into perfect, bite-sized squares. I
wondered how he learned to do that. Maybe his mother was a caterer.
"Is your mother a caterer?? I asked him as he
materialized next to me.
"Nope," he said. 'she's a surgeon."
We just heard some bad news on the car radio coming over,?
"We were so disappointed," Victoria cut in, "No
fireworks! The Coast Guard is not letting any boats out into the harbor because
of a terrorist threat."
"Oh no," I groaned, 'this was supposed to be a party
celebrating the fireworks."
'then we'll make our own fireworks," David said, "How
about drinks all around? Eggnog??
He's dauntless, I thought, dauntless David.
Hal and Minta arrived next.
"Did you hear?? said Minta, handing me a pecan pie she
had baked herself. "No fireworks."
I put the pie down on the kitchen and accepted a paper cup
filled with eggnog from David. He had somehow found a tray, poured eggnog into
paper cups and was going around serving eggnog,
"No day in New York is complete without a terrorist
threat," I said to Minta, "but at least we can toast the Statue of
Liberty, they haven't blown her up yet."
Steve and Yuko, Stefan, Johnny and Rob all came in together.
Thad and Randi brought their three-year-old, Sheila. David went downstairs to
let in the next guests, Tony and Diane with two whole chickens from Kentucky
I helped them make a place for the chickens on the food table
as they unwrapped them.
"I knew you would like David," Tony said.
'stick it in your ear," I told him.
"He's too busy playing with himself to do that," said
Diane as she picked up a deviled egg.
My downstairs neighbors, Art and Josie came up with their
17-year-old daughter, Lynn. She put
on a Marvin Gaye CD and asked Stefan to dance. Then Johnny and Rob got up and
danced slowly cheek to cheek. Thad and Randi cradled Sheilah between them as
they whirled around.
"How about it?? said David coming up to me and holding
out his arms.
'sure," I said and put my hand on his shoulder. He may
have been carrying an extra twenty pounds a round his waist but he could move
"You dance like Fred Astaire," I told him.
"I'm his long lost twin brother," he said and grabbed
me by the waist and bent me back in a dip.
My last boyfriend was a filmmaker who looked like Matt Damon
with a long silver ponytail. He always asked me to inspect his body for blackheads before we
fucked. It got so tedious. David's skin was rosy, smooth and clear as a
baby's even if he didn't look like a Greek god.
I decided I would ask him to spend the night, start the New Year right.
"Everyone, it's five of twelve," Cliff called out from
the kitchen. "Let's have a toast. I'm opening champagne in here, Come in
and get a glass."
We gathered in the kitchen and he filled our glasses.
"You make the toast," Josie said, "Let the hostess make
"Hear! Hear!" caroled the joyful voices of my friends.
I raised my glass.
"Here's to this year being better than the last? I
said, "and peace on ""."
Before I could get out the final word, we were startled by a
big BOOM and then a series of smaller booming sounds.
"Oh no, cried Lyn, "they're blowing up the
We rushed to the windows, but we did not see the mighty
Brooklyn Bridge crumbling in front of our eyes. Instead, further down the river,
the sky was sparkling with red, white and blue exploding stars. It was the
"It's a miracle, it's a miracle," yelled Tony,
"maybe they caught the terrorists."
Everyone started hugging and kissing, murmuring "Happy New
David was standing in front of me. He put his hand out and
lifted my chin. He kissed me firmly with his mouth closed as if he was trying to
imprint his mouth on mine. His lips tasted like champagne. I summoned my
courage. Breathing into his mouth, I whispered, 'stay, stay, stay."
He grabbed me up in a hug.
"What took you so long to ask?? he said.
My departing guests didn't notice or pretended not to
notice that David wasn't putting on his coat, although Diane gave me the
high-sign as she went out the door. .
Alone in the now empty and silent room, we just stood there,
not knowing what to say. I felt shy. I hardly knew the guy, what had I gotten
myself into? I thought about suggesting a drive out to Brighton Beach, to walk
along the beach in the moonlight and search for seashells. We could use them for
ashtrays but then neither of us smoked.
Sink or swim, I said to myself. I seized David's hand. It was moist and clammy, maybe he
was nervous, too.
"Let's do it," I said.
My heart was beating too fast in my chest and I realized how frightened I was. I didn't want him to
'I lifted up my hips and spread my thighs wide, offering him my treasure. . .my eager cunt. . .'
undress me, I just wanted to get to it. I quickly stripped
off my dress, my bra. I slipped out of my shoes, my fishnets
I lay boldly down, flat on my back, on my bed offering myself to him but
I felt awkward, stiff as a penguin. .
shines," David said, "It's brilliant, like diamonds, I feel so lucky to be
I wanted to tell him I was happy he was here with me but my
voice got stuck in my throat, all I managed to get out was a cryptic,
In any case, this seemed to encourage him, because he quickly
stripped down, too.
He had a sizeable potbelly. It quivered slightly like Jello
as he breathed but his shoulders and arms were well muscled and sturdy.
A sparse pattern of hair, like a vine with branches, grew
from his pubes up the center of his chest. Ace had hair growing on his chest
just like that, and, suddenly, I had that vision
of Ace, Ace in my bed with Miranda,
the look of pure bliss on his face, her huge breast spilling out under her arms.
"No, No, No!" I yelled.
"What's the matter?? said David. "Do I look that bad?
Do you want me to put my clothes back on??
The vision vanished as suddenly as it appeared. David had
called me back into my familiar room and was standing in front of me, his cock
fully erect, siganling his desire. He looked troubled. I wanted to
banish that sad look from his face.
"Keep those clothes off," I told David,
"It's nothing, I just had a bad thought, it went away ".
His cock was long, thicker than my wrist and deep red as if
swelling with blood. He took a step closer and then I saw his balls, the same
red color as his cock. They were lumpy like oranges and the largest I'd ever
seen except maybe on a horse. They had a life of their own, dancing up and down
as he stepped to the edge of the bed. I wanted them in my hand. I couldn't
believe they were real, maybe they were filled with air like balloons. I wanted
to pinch them, feel their weight, and that is just what I did. I put my two
hands out and grabbed them. I cupped them in my hands, they were real all right,
hot, pulsing with life. .
Not letting go, I pulled him down next to me on the bed. His
cock grew even thicker. I bent my head down to see how much of him I could fit
into my mouth.
"Wait," he said, "I want to kiss you."
He took both my lips inside his mouth, began sucking them as
his body covered mine like a comforter.
I lifted up my hips and spread my thighs wide, offering him
my pleasure purse, my treasure, my eager cunt. He continued to kiss me but I
felt his hand move down my body, felt his fingers tugging at my crotch hair,
teasing me, making me ache for him. When
he thrust a couple of fingers inside me, I got so excited, I came immediately,
my own thick juices erupting out of me, covering his hand, and spilling on to
I think I said something like "Oh, oh, oh, wow."
He gathered me up in his arms and rocked me like a baby, I
felt safe and happy. My lips were on a level with his teat. He definitely had
breasts but I like that. I started to suck at a little brown nubbin. I was
hungry, I nibbled and bit. I could
feel him stiffen and grow even larger beneath me. I moved my body so that its
length slid between my ass crack and squeezed. Ready to go again, I
wanted him to fuck me.
"Put this inside my pussy," I said, and squeezed again.
His body grew tense. He shifted into a sitting position so I
was curled on his lap, a little girl and her big daddy.
"How about it?? I said. I kissed his neck, bit his ear.
He was sweating, "er, er um, er, "?? he said.
I wondered if he was going to tell me he had a wife and two kids back in
"Condom, condom, er , " he was shaking his head, " I
hoped we would hit it off, ..but, but I didn't think., I didn't know, ".
I just didn't buy one," he said
I was so relieved he didn't have a family.
"You're totally right," I said, "Reality 2003, but I
didn't think about that either, good thing you did. I may even have some in my
jewelry box. I don't know how good they are. I think I got them during the
Lewinsky scandal. "
I slid off his lap and reached inside the mother-of -pearl
jewelry box that was on the shelf above my bed. I pulled out a Sheik,
Ultra-Sensitive, Ultra-Thin in its white, cellophane wrapper. In the dim light
from the lamp on the night table I could just make out the date: 10/24/04.
"It's o k," I said, 'these are still safe."
"Great," he said, licking his lips, blowing me a kiss. I was not used to his kind of frank admiration. I blushed, looking down and there was his cock, limp now, soft, lying across the top of his leg, like a ribbon. He saw me looking but he didn't apologize. Instead he kissed my tit, put his hand on my patch and gently, opened me with his fingers. ##
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