SECTION ELEVEN

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COLUMN SEVENTY-FIVE, SEPTEMBER 1, 2002
(Copyright 2002 Al Aronowitz

'DRUNKEN BRAWL'
ANOTHER DIRTY STORY

WARNING!  FOR ADULTS ONLY!  PERSONS UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO READ THIS STORY.

We went to Penny's opening. Everyone was there...Chuck, Jan, lot's of people I knew. I was getting toasted on white wine and no food.. That was a fun time. Then we split to Candy's tittie bar to watch the fight. She was sitting on my lap and we had tittie dancers all over the place. Pierre disappeared for a while. I think he either got a lap dance or a blowjob. Anyway, he was in love. So we are all having a blast. The fight was excellent ... Then we leave the tittie bar, climb in my truck and drive to Snoop Dog. That was a madhouse. I should have known it was going to be "one of those nights" when we arrived to find a young Asian girl passed out on the sidewalk.. They carted her off.

A tittie dancer came with us. I don't remember her name. She was with Pierre.... We get inside which was packed and I loose Candy and the rest of them. Candy was totally wasted. Snoop Dog was pretty good for what he was, which is rap (of course). I couldn't understand a word he was saying and he had some old black dude rapping with him. It was his Uncle Joe.

Fortunately the old black dude ran out of gas after couple of tunes and sat down. Very UN cool. Like Dylan having his grandfather doing the funky chicken on stage while he is performing. Uncle Joe got on my nerves. Didn't bother the kids though. It was a total madhouse. Bill and I stuck together. We didn't even look for the others. Rap is not my thing (of course).. Snoop looked pretty cool. He was smoking New York Times sized spliffs. They were throwing CDs to the audience. One hit me on the forehead and bounced into my hands LOL.

Some of his rapper posse looked ridiculous. One guy had an open shirt and a huge beer gut... So anyway the show is over and we are on the sidewalk and I am kinda blitzed from white wine, scotch and martinis. Somehow Candy's tittie dancer friend gets caught by a cop. He is giving her a drunk test. Walk the straight line etc..

Part Two..Ok Ok Here we go. Things are a bit clearer now that I spoke to Bill and put our stories together. We are on the sidewalk (the five of us) Me, Pierre, Bill, the tittie dancer, and Candy.


'. . .It's them
crazy bitches
what got the best pussy. . .'


Candy and The Dancer are kissing and making out. Pierre told Bill that he was up front leaning on the stage with them and they were groping each other throughout the show. Snoop Dog kept pointing to them. We are standing outside chatting (the girls are feeling each other up) Then they go "Oh! look at the handsome cop" (big mistake) and go over to talk to the guy. Next thing he is shining his light in The Dancer's eyes and making her do the bunny hop or something.

Candy is arguing with the guy. I suggest we take up strategic positions under a palm tree (in the shadows and watch the proceedings) Pierre is totally toasted and wants to go over by the cop and protest. As loaded as I am I know this is not a good idea. Minimum we are going downtown with them ..... maximum he is going to shoot us... (this is Houston remember).

After about 45 minutes he takes her away in the squad car. We think he is just going around the corner for a honk job and let her go. If not why didn't her take Candy as well. She was every bit as blitzed as her friend... More so..... The three of us are still hiding out watching the drama unfold. I am trying to keep Pierre quite. He is booming out that the cop can't take his Ho away. Evidently she had vacuumed his billfold and he thinks he is going to get a piece of ass. Truth is he ain't getting shit. He is already broke. He gave her a Benjamin to buy a thirty dollar Snoop Dog tic and Ho that she is, she kept the change.

A tearful Candy wants to know what we are going to do about her friend. I say "Nothing" and begin to walk back to my house. She starts screaming and crying and wanders off into the night. I am always glad to see her go but I know unfortunately she will be back.... We walk to my place and Bill splits. Pierre and I are enjoying a Newcastle Brown Ale when he looks outside and goes "Oppppps! there she is"

Sure Nuff, Candy Girl is sitting on my porch. I new she wouldn't be gone for long. ... Boy this is a long story.. OK. Fast forward about a half hour. Candy is screaming we abandoned her buddy. Pierre is complaining he spent all his cash and the cop drove off with his Ho. Candy starts slamming my front door. All of a sudden I loose it.

"You wanna slam doors you psychotic cunt"?

I starts doing a Bruce Lee on my front door. Trying to kick a hole in it. It was pretty strong. It only cracked. Then I walk outside and punch out two lamppost globes on my property cutting my knuckle. I start telling them both to leave me the fuck alone. Go Home. I tell Candy we are finished. (Big Mistake) She picks up a beer bottle and throws it at me. It misses and goes through a very expensive front window. Then she storms off...Then she turns around and comes at me with murderous intent in her eyes.

Frankly I am a bit scared. Fortunately Pierre stops her, talks her down and asks her to go home. She walks off. We sit down and open two more beers. I ask him to stay over. I beg him actually because he is really ripped (I know I am) He won't have it. Says his girlfriend will be pissed as it is. He splits and I go to sleep.

Haven't heard from Ma Barker. I figure she will give it a few days then call and apologize like she always does. File this story in the "drunken brawl" category.... This is a long story and I am starving... Let me get some breakfast and I'll be back...

MORAL: I have a black buddy who always says, "It's them crazy bitches what got the best pussy" Amen brother. When it comes to blowjobs, she's like one of those snakes that can unhinge its jaw to swallow especially large prey....  ##

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